Monday, 1 May 2017

Stages and Contexts of my Thoughts


Having gone through and re-read all my output in my Thoughts category I will try to provide a classification of all those writings based on the context of their creation and my own intellectual/psychological development. 

Phase One: Making the Leap into Thinking (August 2013)

This phase covers the five 'thoughts' from August 2013 in the archives, beginning with Lathoron, A Philosophical Dialogue and ending with A Brief Anatomy of Perception

The later post Ideology and Mathematics (20 May 2014) which was actually written and formulated before any of the above, at least in its original form, could be seen as belonging to this phase. 

The writings of this phase actually date from November 2006 onwards when I resided in Paris, France, and was neglecting my law studies. Some if not all of them were originally written in French.

This period coincided with the beginning of my decline in terms of mental health, as I remember first suffering from the condition of depersonalisation around the time of early Winter 2006. 

Anyway these writings are exceedingly important in so far as they signalled not only my philosophical vocation as such but my readiness to make my philosophising public thanks to the availability of blog publishers (I have had different blogs in the past which have all been scrapped and revamped into ScruffyOwlet's Tree). 

Despite my lack of years and extreme immaturity, I find the writings from this initiatory period to have some philosophical strength and recently found that two of them, Lathoron and How to Become Master of the World, were worthy of not only being thoroughly (re)-contextualised but also (re)-translated into French, as seen in the 'en françaissection of my blog.

Phase Two: Drying Up and Losing It (November 2013 to January 2014)

After Phase One, I dried up philosophically having covered the issues of truth, money, perception and ethics. 

Since I still wanted to write and was still under the aegis of German philosophers Nietzsche and Heidegger, I provided commentaries on some aspects of their philosophy, such as Tentative Musing on Heidegger's Last God and Idle Note on Zarathustra.

Being also partial to Greco-Roman classics I made a commentary on Plutarch with slightly classist, aristocratic overtones and having a hang up about what I perceived to be modern England's unphilosophical and hard-nosed fascism, feeling uncomfortable with that country's mainstream culture, I wrote a rant against it using my philosophical references (Thoughts on England). 

As with Phase One, these writings predate 2013-2014 but were re-written for a new blog publication, named Commemoratum: Attempts at Salvaging the Old, in Christmas of 2013 when I should have been revising for my mid-term examinations, which I failed as a result. 

It is material of course that I now resided in England but also that when I first lived in England during my university days in London I suffered from extreme culture shock and alienated horror at the society I was observing and the university culture I was unhappily involved with. 

I moved back to England in October 2007, after a break in France, as a rather mad attempt to find myself since I thought that it was in unfavourable, antithetical conditions that I might be the most philosophically fruitful. I went on a crazy hunt for low-paid catering jobs and resided at both my grandmothers, one after the other, ending up just outside Saffron Walden where I managed to get some paid work. 

I became seriously mentally ill and maladjusted in 2008 (largely affected by anxiety-based depersonalisation and odd beliefs of being on a war-path that would ultimately lead to a suicide attempt and were clearly due to unresolved trauma), was sectioned into mental hospital on two occasions (one after a dramatic suicide attempt), diagnosed with schizophrenia, and was allowed off the employment treadmill thanks to sickness benefits and being allowed in supported housing in Saffron Walden, where I lived till 2012. 

I moved to my own accommodation in the same town, still thanks to the generosity of the Welfare State, in May 2012, where I have resided to this day. 

Phase Three: Definitely Losing It (March-July 2014)

This phase coincided with dropping out of my Birkbeck College Classics degree, after feeling very low and over-exposed with my blog output which I unwisely shared with a student colleague of mine and after failing to attend a voluntary work commitment, and then undergoing a pronounced manic, euphoric phase as sufferers of Bipolar Disorder might regularly experience. 

I was seen to by a 'Crisis' mental health team at the time but this period was oddly fruitful, in a manic way. It is during this period that I re-engaged with the piano and read the entire bibliography of Friedrich Nietzsche, culminating in my longest ever blog post Human all too Human: Aphoristic Elucidations

In fact many of the writings from this period are quite lucid, despite the manic condition I was in, but turned to venom and rage as I came down from the euphoria, as evidenced in my posts Obedience, Christian Moraline, Philosophy and Danger, Batman and Joker, Homelessness and others which I have since deleted. 

Despite being mentally and emotionally affected at the time, I did have a certain lucidity as to evil dynamics in society and just as I began to re-engage with the piano (the improvisation behind my composition Staccato Hypnosis dates from this period), I also re-engaged with visual art, doing pastel drawings, one of them showcasing my sense that 9/11 was a lie (none of these are still extant on this blog, due to their low quality). 

It is also during this period that I got abreast of certain aspects of conspiracy culture, having already discovered the corbettreport in 2013 and being influenced by the likes of Alain Soral, a French 'anti-Zionist' dissident, and his, in retrospect, rather mediocre book Comprendre l'empire

Phase Four: Slowly Regaining It (August 2014-November 2015)

Starting with Pretentiousness and ending with Art Born of Perception, this period, whilst difficult in terms of emotional sensitivity and depressive moods, saw the beginning of a liberation from my unhealthy obsession with Nietzsche and Heidegger, which gets less and less pronounced over this period. 

This period began with a very healing holiday in France where I rid myself of my manic episode. It is during that holiday that I came up with Bondesque Mania for the piano.

My writing too goes from being slightly fraught and forceful (if not fetching) in the beginning of this phase to more laid back and casual, and this is also a period where I was more officially left-wing in my positioning, making me fall flat on my face emotionally when the Conservatives won the 2015 general election. 

As evidenced by the writing Nescience and Ignorance dating from July 2015, two concepts very particular to him, I had just recently discovered what I found to be the invaluable and life-saving research of Mark Passio from whatonearthishappening.

It was he who clued me up as to Natural Law, right and wrong and moral principles generally and I owe him an incalculable debt, not least in terms of getting over mental health difficulties and excessive emotionality through his introductory podcasts on brain science, the left/right-brain hemispheres, the limbic and reptilian parts of the brain and his philosophy of choosing love over fear. 

It was also in the Spring of 2015 that I began to open my heart chakra, which had been shut down in some shape or form since my first year of secondary school in 1996 and led in large part to the neurosis of my young adult days (culminating in the 2008 period). 

The realisation that I had been in a state of flight since school, with a dread of people and the world, and that all I had to do was to open myself up again rather than putting up barriers between me and the external world to avoid getting hurt was the moment when I truly began to leave behind my depressive tendency (I talk about this in my later post Importance of the Heart). 

2015 is also a year where I composed all the piano pieces going from Afternoon Variation to Musing (see All My Compositions in Writing Order). I also did a few art collages and abstract water colours during this period.

Phase Five: Finding Myself (December 2015-November 2016)

This period goes from Origins of Man to Intellect is not Intelligence on November 3rd 2016.

The December 2015 period was affected by my engaging with conspiracy literature, particularly the book by Jim Marrs Rule by Secrecy and The Perception Deception by David Icke. 

As was the case before, I found that my personal reading interests clashed with my university commitments and early in January 2016 I decided, in a strong, guiltless, position this time, to discontinue academic study (this decision was partly reached by the writing Skull and Bones). 

This is counter-intuitive but deliberately reading up on conspiracy angles had a hugely beneficial impact on my psyche, and a liberating one at that, making me realise for once that I was not the problem and that I was entitled to follow my own heart and not to conform to society's expectations or preferences. 

In January 2016 I wrote my first poems since childhood, starting with Dark Truth and ending with Tobacco, after yet another failed attempt at quitting smoking. 

Later, in March, I wrote a poem about being on welfare, a fact about myself I had been ashamed of for years and hid from many people. 

It is also during this period that I lost my fear of money and all forms of economic anxiety including of my benefits being stopped, despite Conservative anti-Welfare measures (see posts Money, The Power of Money, Money as Consciousness, Position on the Money Issue, Jobs and Money and my poem Illusions perdues).  

It is also in March-April 2016 that I did my first ever life drawings/portraits

After overcoming years of economic anxiety in March I also overcame, in August, social anxiety after suffering from much internal discomfort socialising with most people. This occurred whilst visiting with close family my native French town which enabled me to make peace with my past and my French background and was otherwise a very social time.

Overcoming social anxiety was also directly linked to no longer being ashamed about being on welfare and not having a job but also to learning the value of ditching nervous tension via relaxation (a thing I wrote about in Nervous Tension) through complete and utter self-acceptance (a thing I have written about several times on this blog).

The secret of being good socially is of course to be relaxed, and in order to be relaxed you need to fully accept yourself as you are. 

In 2016 I continued composing for the piano, going from Odyssey in January to Uninspired in October (or was it November?). 

On October 7 I started my Puppet Monst cartoon drawings (Puppet Monst at the Doctor's), following a suggestion by my mother that comics might be a good medium for me, a series which continues to this day. 

Phase Six: Confident Assertion (November 3rd - December 2016)

The month of November 2016 is remarkable in terms of my 'thoughts' writings as a true outpouring of philosophical sensitivity. The writings for this month alone number 204 but I date this sixth period as starting from a key writing of mine on November 3rd and possibly my most important so far Knowledge and Sensibility.

November 5th (23 writings) and 7th (34 writings) were particularly fruitful. 

It is important to note that pretty much all the output for November 2016 consisted of insights I had reached long before but that for some reason I now had the self-confidence to verbalise and share in an almost relentless fashion but without this time being clinically manic. 

Unfortunately November 2016 was also the month that I fell out with a friend/colleague of mine, or rather she fell out with me, meaning that I had to discontinue my last tie with the external, working world: a voluntary job assisting adults with learning disabilities to learn English, Maths and Computers, my favourite ever voluntary role and one that I started in September 2015. 

Phase Seven: Happily Plodding Along (January 2017-Present)

In a good position financially and relationship-wise and having made friends in the Summer of 2016 with a neighbour of mine, and having overcome the many psychological demons of my twenties, I found myself in an ideal position to continue living the good, creative life.

During this period, while continuing to share philosophical insights, I diligently recorded piano covers and re-recorded (for the seventh or eight time) all my piano compositions. 

I curated my YouTube channel, started reading more frequently again, practiced piano more systematically (I now know, after so many years of failing, all the scales) and, very lately, have produced a few more Puppet Monst comics. 

Final Remarks

I hope this post has been helpful in providing a psychological and real-life backdrop to my intellectual and artistic output and can show how it is possible, with will-power and exposure to the right sources, to overcome neurosis through knowing oneself, the world and accepting it all - whilst not condoning it all (see in this regard Time to Conclude: Neurosis as Number One Enemy and Intelligence and Unhappiness: My Own Example). 

It is of course material that throughout this blog's history I have not had significant financial worries (certainly not since 2008) and of course the time and comfort benefits have provided me with have enabled me to find myself, a thing well-nigh impossible for those who are forced into relentlessly selling their labour or looking for the next pay cheque. 

No doubt life will throw me with many tough challenges ahead but for now I am happy to say that I do not fear the future. I have overcome too much for that to be the case. 

Thanks for reading. 

1 comment:

  1. Honest and heartfelt, lucid & courageous, I find this post both helpful & uplifting.

    ReplyDelete